guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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