I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
