we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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