I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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