well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
