I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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