I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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