I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize