I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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