Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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