The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize