I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
