Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
