theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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