She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize