just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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