i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
