I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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