She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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