Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
