Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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