Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
