he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
