there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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