we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
