hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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