Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
