He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
