well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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