I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
