Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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