Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
