Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
