The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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