dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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