Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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