Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
