1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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