Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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