happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
