I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
