Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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