I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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