Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
