Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
