i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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