Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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