My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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