JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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