he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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