I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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