I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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