I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
