Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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