Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
