sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize