I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize