so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
