we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
