A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
