He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
