He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
