shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
