You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
