I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
